


Pissing in the Bushes: Redux

by quiet__tiger



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Smallville
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, drugs are bad mmmkay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 00:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10708476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Superman is intoxicated, Batman is to the rescue, and Lex will never learn.





	Pissing in the Bushes: Redux

**Author's Note:**

> This is the less-sad version of [Pissing in the Bushes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10708521), which was written in response to, "Why would Superman be peeing behind a gas station?"
> 
>  
> 
> Originally posted to Livejournal Oct. 31st, 2005.

Superman stumbled through a landing and lurched towards the back of the gas station. He unzipped what served as the fly in his costume, and proceeded to urinate all over the bushes against the fence.

Batman figured that this wasn't the best use of the Batplane's cameras, but, he was needed. His passenger, however, was much less useful.

"Come on, Bruce! Land this stupid thing!"

"Lex, if you want to just jump out, I'm not going to hold you back. There's even a parachute underneath the seat. And if you do exit the plane, so better for me since it is not a two-seater."

And it really wasn't; Bruce was practically in Lex's lap, since Bruce had to be able to see and steer his craft. He had designed this particular plane before he had Robin.

But, when he got the call that he was needed in Metropolis, this was the closest plane. It was also the fastest, since it was the smallest. In retrospect, he probably should have taken one of the larger planes and suffered the extra ten minutes of flight.

Bruce landed the plane in a field near the gas station, which was on some back road outside of Metropolis. He had received a frantic call from Lex, saying that Clark had vanished and he needed his help in finding him. No one who worked for him would understand why Lex Luthor was so distraught by the disappearance of Superman, rather than throwing a huge party.

'Now, Lex, tell me exactly what happened." Bruce hadn't felt chatty in flight once he learned that there was no immediate danger.

"I. Um. Kind of got him drunk."

"You got Superman drunk?! Why?"

"Clark got promoted at the Planet! And after he told me that, he saved a lot of people in a fire downtown. There was cause for celebration. I didn't know he'd use it as a cause to see how drunk he could get! And he alsomvbvmmmvbmgh."

"What?"

"He also may be a little high."

"You got Superman high?! I wasn't even sure if that were possible..." Bruce forced the gears in his head to stop whirring so he could hear Lex.

"Neither was I! But I made some brownies, with a, you know, special ingredient, so to speak."

"Lex, I went to college. I do know what 'special ingredient' means." Personally Bruce liked vanilla, but he knew normal people used pot. "So let me get this straight. What we have here is an intoxicated and possibly high invulnerable alien."

"Correct."

"Remind me, Lex, to never ever leave you alone with any of my Robins, past, present, or future."

They caught up with Superman as he continued to stumble around behind the gas station, and seemed to be staring at himself. Apparently Kryptonians were not immune to marijuana, and at least the X-ray vision provided him with a lot to see. Bruce hated the part of himself that filed that knowledge away for future use.

Bruce wanted to address Clark, but he wasn't sure what to call him. Either way it was going to be weird if anyone saw Lex there. Instead, he made sure that Clark saw them, then gestured for Clark to follow.

"Batman!" Well, at least he recognized him. "Hey, look everybody! It's Batman!"

Oh, geez. This wasn't good.

Through a lot of coaxing, Lex and Bruce managed to get Clark back to the Batplane. Not that Bruce knew what to do from there. He spent more time in school studying than bringing down intoxicated friends. Much more time.

Clark collapsed onto the grass, and Lex went over to talk to him. Not wanting to listen in on the lovers, Bruce pretended to take inventory of his utility belt. Actually, he could use some more gas pellets...

"Oh my God!"

Bruce whipped around at Lex's exclamation, and then broke Batman's 'no smiling' policy as he realized that Clark had vomited all over Lex's pants. Lex looked horrified, for all the time in the past he had been the one vomiting on people.

"Lex?" Clark's voice was uncharacteristically meek, especially considering what he was wearing.

"Clark!"

"What did I do? I mean, I know what I did, and I'm sorry, but... I don't know why anything." Clark tried to stand, but apparently gravity was still too close a friend, and he sat back. "I... That liquor was stronger than I thought."

"Why do you think I sip it, not gulp it?"

"And... those were special brownies? That would explain. Well. A lot."

"Yeah..." Lex took off his shoes and pants, and joined Clark on the ground, a huge sacrifice, Bruce knew. "I didn't know that weed would react so badly with the liquor..."

"Neither did I. Live and learn, I guess."

"Why did you fly out of the penthouse? I've been worried about you. I even called in Bruce for crying out loud!"

"I would have been okay..."

"You've never flown while wasted. And I didn't know how you'd act. Or get home."

"You didn't have to call in friggin' Batman, Lex! I just left because I heard cries for help..."

"The Petersons in the apartment below us were watching a natural disaster movie. You heard the actors."

"Oh..."

"You really think you could have saved someone when you couldn't even fly straight?"

"I. Guess not." Clark finally looked over to Bruce, who was doing his best impression of being 'not here.' "Thanks for coming, Bruce."

"Not a problem, Clark. You're a friend, and we were concerned about your well-being. Are you okay to fly home?"

"Yeah, I think so. Just getting everything out of my system has been good for me. If not for Lex's pants."

"You can buy me a new pair."

"Even with the promotion, I can't afford to clothe you."

"Then we'll have to be careful the next time we give you drugs. I can't afford to do this too often."

Bruce rolled his eyes. Lex would never learn his lesson. But as long as Clark didn't mind, then everything must be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> No, I don't know what would mix to cause Superman to get this wasted.


End file.
